As summer began, I was dreading my
family vacation that was to take place over the 4th of July. I was
more interested in watching fireworks with my boyfriend than hiking up
mountains in Colorado. I am not what one would call “athletic.” The last time I
went to Colorado it ended with me on top of a mountain above the tree-line
practically dying. This summer was not going to be enjoyed.
The
3rd of July rolled around and dread filled me. Finally, 2 hours
after we planned to leave and lots of screaming family members later, we were
on the road headed west. I slept through the ride until we hit Nebraska. As the
endless flat land flew by out the window, I began to feel a little queasy. I
tried to sleep it off, but it just wasn’t going away. I kept my mouth shut
about feeling carsick. Finally, we pulled into a gas station. We hadn’t even
pulled into a pump when I suddenly felt my stomach lurch. “Stop the car!” I
yelled frantically. So my dad slammed on the brakes and I bolted from the
truck. I ran for the nearest garbage can but they were all covered. I turned to
the ground and knelt down. I tried to control my stomach, but with no avail. My
family vacation had gone from bad to worse and it was only the first day.
Several
hours later we approached the base of the Rocky Mountains. They were absolutely
breathtaking. The lumbering mountains sprawled into the sky as if they were
competing to be the tallest. The white snowcaps glistened in the sun as fluffy
white clouds floated aimlessly about them. I started to think that maybe
vacation wouldn’t be so bad. Our truck climbed up the mountain at a steady
pace, hugging the curves of the valleys. Huge boulders jutted out from the sides
of the mountains. Finally, we had a break in the hairpin curves and came out in
Estes Park where we had rented a house. Delicate shops lined the streets with
quaint items displayed in the windows. Pedestrians meandered in and out of the
shops. The brisk air floated through the truck’s windows refreshing me. We
drove up the side of a mountain to our house. It was a green, pretty average
house, but the view was incredible.
The rest of
vacation was fairly smooth. I was sore after climbing several mountains, but
the view was always worth the climb. I find myself always dreading the journey
up my mountains in life, but when I get to the top everything is all worth it.
Your story was an interesting read with a message. You can be afraid, but whatever you're doing is usually worth it. I loved your use of imagery throughout to display what the mountains were like and the shops around town. I felt like I was really there. I would say to perhaps include more foreshadowing to the coming message because it sort of seemed like it was hastily thrown in at the end. But, sometimes foreshadowing isn't the best method. However, I did like your emotional appeal to the reader with saying that you weren't athletic, you didn't feel well, and so on. It was also a little comedic, but that's beside the point. I think you did a nice job writing a personal narrative, but need a little work on your closing paragraph and tying things together.
ReplyDeleteIt was meant to be comedic, Erika. Also, the message did kind of just dawn on me at the end. And I know I suck at closing paragraphs. Its just life. Hopefully Mr. Lister (that's you, Sir!) will help me with that.(I'm under the assumption that you're reading this, Mistah Listah).
ReplyDeleteI agree with Erika about the imagery. You have a lovely way of describing things. I would absolutely love to see those mountains someday. As for the carsickness, I can completely relate. That happens to me every time. I'd imagine that many other readers could relate to that as well. I think there needs to be a sort of bridge between the carsickness paragraph and the one about the mountains. On the other hand, however, maybe that would be the wrong way to go about it, for it might just sound like you were spelling out every detail of the whole trip. I did like the message at the end - a lot. But again I agree with Erika that there should be more of a closing to make the message sit a little cozier.
ReplyDelete